ChubbyNinja’s Irresponsible Game News & Reviews: Issue 1 : March 2009

Letter from the Editor…

This is the first in a regular series of insights into my gaming life. A “blog” if you will, although I detest the notion of mindless meanderings for the masses on the interwebs. I have no misconception that anyone will read my iteration of mindless meanderings except approximately 66% of those who actually force fed the link. Where this will ultimately land, I’m not sure. It’s doubtful that I’ll actually keep this up past the two week mark. But, hey, it’ll keep you busy for the next five to seven minutes.

Latest Happenings:

My beloved surprised me late last week when she revealed that she would reward me with a PS3 upon completion of my graduate degree, which is on track for December of this year. If all goes well, it will have taken me five years from start to finish. Longer than it could have, but there were some meaningful pitstops along the way, so I’m not regretful that it’s taken this long.

While I continue to enjoy the latest JRPG to find it’s way into my Xbox 360, I find my mind wandering to the thought of cracking open the high-gloss corrugated goodness containing a new gaming console. Even if said console has been on the market for some time, there is an intoxicating rapture that consumes me whenever I sort through the contents and set up that new machine. Who knew that component cables and power cords could have such a strange effect? These lamentations have more than influenced the contents of this entry of CNsIGN&R, no doubt about it.

Irresponsible Reviews:

Note: These are called “irresponsible reviews” because I’m basing my review on a very short time playing the game. A responsible reviewer would play a game in it’s entirety before making a blanket statement damning it to the ether of shovelware. I’m not that guy.

• Watchmen: Time is Nigh (demo)
• Playtime: 15 Minutes; 5 minutes of loading screen, 5 minutes of bland cinemas, 5 minutes of bland playtime
• Review: Being a new fan of the graphic novel, I was looking forward to this game. Early reports were promising. Then the initial reviews came in. They were rough, one reviewer claimed that they would rather play Streets of Rage 2 on the Genesis. They were right. What a boring game. It looks pretty, especially for a downloadable game. But, wow, there is no excitement pulling you from one dimly lit room to another. Even the cinemas, with graphics modeled after the graphic novel, are awful. The dialogue is terrible, too. Punch, kick, grab, repeat 400 times. And, Rorscach runs like he has to poop. Not fun.
• Verdict: Fans should download for the immediate jolt of excitement to play as Rorschach, then turn it off when you realize what a terrible time you’re having.
• Ninja Blade (demo)
• Playtime: 10 Minutes; well, about 3 minutes, just the same 3 minutes a few times.
• Review: The premise, although contrite, is fun. You’re a BA ninja jumping from a helicopter into the Tokyo skyline. The game is half quicktime events and half traditional action gaming. Both suck. The QTE’s look fun, but having to do them over when you fail takes the fun away immediately. It removes you from the gameplay which is always the kiss of death. Then, once you land on a horizontal surface, the traditional action fighting is boring. Keep slamming a combination of regular and strong attack and that’s it. Yay.
• Verdict: Stick with Ninja Gaiden.
• Tomb Raider: Anniversary
• Playtime: 10 Minutes
• Review: I’ve never been a fan of the Tomb Raider games, but that was because I hadn’t given them a shot. Why not, I thought. I probably started with the wrong game in the series. This is a remake of the first TR game and it shows. PS2 quality graphics = unacceptable. Combined with control, camera, and puzzles from yesteryear, this is one to avoid.
• Verdict: Try Legend or Underworld instead. Me? I’m done with the series.
• Lost: Via Domus
• Playtime: 20 Minutes
• Review: First 4 minutes = wow, this is kinda good. I’m getting into this. 5 minutes and onward = I’m lost in a f#$%ing jungle and I want to slap the sour puss off of Kate. I’ve replayed this sequence 4 times and I’m still lost in this God forsaken jungle. Bonus points for really making me feel like I’m lost in a jungle?
• Verdict: I wanted to like this game. But the gameplay is so awful that it’s just not fun. I had an interaction with Kate that made me dislike her even more and then I got lost in a jungle. Just watch the show instead.

Status Report:

Currently Playing – Star Ocean: The Last Hope on Xbox 360

9 ½ hours in and enjoying the game. Just beat the second boss and wrapping up first mission/visit to the 2^nd planet. Won’t win any awards for story, but it’s moving along. Very Japanese in presentation, which isn’t a bad thing. Battles are very fun and that ultimately saves the game from overall mediocrity. I’ll keep playing with a goal of beating the game by the time Batman: Arkham Asylum comes out in early June.

Latest Haul:

Two weekends ago Gamestop had a buy 2/get 1 free sale. I bought Blue Dragon, Tomb Raider:Anniversary and Lost:Via Domus. All three for $36. I really only wanted Blue Dragon. Well, Lost and TR sucked and Blue Dragon stunk of cigarettes…literally. Plus, with the impending arrival of a PS3, I finally had a valid reason to pick up Metal Gear Solid 4!! Happy Happy! Joy Joy! I returned the three games and found a new copy of the limited edition of MGS4 at a local Gamestop for $60 (originally it was $80). Got there and it was all beat up. As a collector at heart, I wasn’t having any of that nonsense. Then, I looked over and there was a used copy of the limited edition for $40 (same price as the regular game since Gamestop doesn’t recognize special editions). And, this one was in great condition! So, for $2 more than I originally spent on those awful games, I left the store with a mint copy of the LE that has the soundtrack and bonus Blu Ray disc. Needless to say, I’m quite happy with a game sitting on my shelf that I can’t play for a few more months. But, it’s there. Waiting. As am I. By the way, the soundtrack for MGS4 is amazing.

Next up….selling Street Fighter IV and fightpad. Right now, I think those funds are going towards a PSP. Yes, I know I have major problems.

Hot Sites:

• Kotaku.com
• Cheapassgamer.com
• Xbox360achievements.com
• Joystiq.com